Cornered

Oddly, I started this blog as a place to get my thoughts down in print. I subtitled it "Suberban musing from a caffeinated mind". Then one day it became a weight-loss blog. But I gained weight, so I stopped blogging. I had cornered myself into believing that was what this was about.

Losing weight is a lot of work - counting calories, exercising, planning. However, I've come to understand that my weight has little to do with hunger - I am an emotional eater. I haven't met an emotion I couldn't eat through. I celebrate with food, comfort with food, and use food to stuff down my anger so I don't upset anyone. Apparently in my world I'm nobody, because I only end up hurting and upsetting myself. I'm almost 50 and still don't have it all together. It's time to take a hard look at myself and start the emotional and spiritual healing I need to do. Guess I'm the stereotypical peri-menopausal woman off to find herself. Frak, I hate being the norm!

Anyway, I`m not sure what avenue this journey will take, but I`m expecting a hell of a ride. Buckle up your seatbelt, and keep your hands and feet inside the car; it could get rough, but I know for sure the end result is going to be amazing!

ttfn

Denial

So, I have seriously been ignoring this blog. Much like I've been ignoring my exercise and food plan. I've been losing and gaining the same 10 lbs for over a year now. Time to get my shizzle together.

I was doing fabulous at the gym - 3 to 5 workouts a week. That stopped short a few weeks ago.

Time to stop looking for motivation and just get off my butt and DO IT! Stop thinking about it - I will just talk myself out of doing anything

We ate SOOOO much this weekend, my stomach is distended and I feel gross.

My stress is getting out of control and I'm doing nothing to help myself.

Why do I consistently put myself last? Why do I treat myself like I'm not worth it? Why am I paying for a gym membership that I'm not using? Time to start thinking about those questions and come up with some good answers, or change the tape in my head.

I've downloaded a ton of self-improvement resources in the last week or two. I've been bouncing around from one to another - time to come up with a plan and start to do the work. While I'm at it, I need to go put out my gym gear and hit the hamster wheel tomorrow before work. At least I bought a load of fruit and veggies to get through the week - and just finished cooking up a ton of chicken for quick "don't think about it" dinners to keep me away from the convenience food.

Anyway, small steps forward.

ttfn

Gym Love

AKA getting it all together. Joined a new gym that opened half way between home and work. So far am really enjoying it and am hoping I will manage to get myself on the road to losing weight I've been doing WW Points Plus since the program rolled out and have really lost nothing. Granted Xmas was in the middle of this time frame, but I started at 199, and was 198 last week. Ugh.

I'm really getting into a gym routine in the last week or so, and am thinking that will be the missing piece of the puzzle. Anyone else struggling with the new plan? It's the first time I've struggled this much. Granted, I'm getting way too close to 50, and I know it is so much harder to lose weight at 48 than at 38. This whole getting older thing bites!

Anyway, just wanted to update and get this frustration out there.

ttfn

Forward Planning

Planning is not my strong suit. I wish I could be really good at setting goals and making plans to achieve them, but usually that is just a set-up for failure. Anyway, this morning I spent a little New Years time visualizing what I want to see when I look at myself on January 1, 2012.

It was interesting, and I'm still not done. I don't have my notebook here with me, but will share some of my ideas in the next few days.

I did journal all my food today, and am heading out for a nice long walk with SK shortly. My new gym opens in 9 days! Yeah! So looking forward to the challenge of fitting classes in, and getting a regular fitness plan going.

ttfn

A Wish for the Holidays

I would like to send a wish to everyone in cyberspace for peace and forgiveness - to others but mostly to ourselves. May the new year bring a calmness and understanding of self.

Be kind to yourself. You know you wouldn't treat a friend the way you treat yourself.

ttfn - back to reality in January.

Reality Check

Back to reality time - stepped on the scale and the number started with 2. Granted it was an even 00 after it, but I've let myself loose for far too long. Overeating and no exercise is just not working for me.

I had been thinking long and hard about this blog - I've been ignoring it because I had made it too much about weightloss and exercise. I didn't mean it to be so one-sided when I started it, it was to be a space to just journal my life and work through things. Time to get back to basics and get working on this project. I'm only getting well-rounded physically, not emotionally and spiritually.

So, I signed up for WW online - new toys for inspiration. We will see what comes of this whole thing, but I did manage to pick things up and do some jogging with the pupsters last night, and I had SK with me, and he needs to get some more workouts in for his basketball. He's younger and shorter than the other guys, so he needs to be putting in extra time.

ttfn

So the weekend ended

and I'm back to Monday Monday mode. The extra dog has gone home, and we had a fairly quiet night (except Zenya has just started sleeping out of her crate, and isn't sure of what is going on LOL).

My weekend was not stellar food-wise, but today I am rocking it! Started the day with a glass of skim milk (gotta get more calcium) and later had blueberries, All Bran, and greek yogurt for breakfast. Got my butt out for a walk at lunch (and was a sweaty mess - thank goodness for showers at work). Now I am totally enjoying my fabulous salad with greens, orange pepper, organic grape tomatoes, cucumber, black beans, 1/4 avocado and some herb/garlic goat cheese. Fabulous with fig balsamic dressing. There are grapes for dessert. YUM!

The book "Women, Food, and God" was recommended by a co-worker. I finished it on the weekend, and need to re-read it starting tonight. There were definitely some things in that book that touched a nerve with me. I've been fighting with my body for so long, and I'm getting tired of it. I really need to get to the root of the problem and finally deal with my issues, instead of stuffing everything down with food. Much easier said than done.

Anyway, time to go be more productive!

ttfn